I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
