3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
