Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize