guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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