Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
