he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
