Cold hands, warm shart.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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