yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He did a backflip because drugs
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