Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
