Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Randomize
