do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
