I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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