I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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