for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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