the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
