Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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