my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I want a musical about memes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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