The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
