Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
