2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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