so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
