I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
