Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
