I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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