I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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