no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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