Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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