so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize