his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
