if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
