he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
