WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I need help removing her.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
