So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
