sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The uberlube is also flammable
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
