they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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