i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
