So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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