If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
