Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
