Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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