So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
