once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
