Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
