As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
