Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it hurts more in the daytime
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
