He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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