You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
