hotel room ftw
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
