i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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