nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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