genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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