You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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