I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
