I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
