Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
