I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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